Big baby mama

Week 36 snapshot

Panic rating: 7/10 – weirdly feel less scared about the birth than a few months ago…must be the hormones

Body image: Not great. In fact, get ready people because this is what this post is all about!

Cravings: Kinda hungry but not over the top. Food is one of the last pleasures I have left though so there’s still no holding back…

Average number of times per night where I need to get up and go wee: 1 – not bad, huh? It’s worse when I’m on my feet and gravity does the job of pushing the baby down onto my bladder

No. of days till due date: 26 – yep, don’t worry about trying to work it out – I’m due on the 27th April, but who knows if he’ll be early or late?

I’m going to start this post by saying yes know I haven’t updated for ages, and yes, this may very well be the last one any of us will read about my journey before I am a mummy. And once that”s happened, who knows when the next one will appear? I will say, however, that I am planning on continuing the blogging but in a new format as I will no longer be pregnant – stand by for a new link…

Despite the fact that (or indeed, obviously because) it has been weeks and weeks since my last post, much has occurred and developed, at least physically. I am now very very pregnant. In fact, it would appear that – according to Joe and Josephine Public (whom I have of course never met personally, or only the once) – I am now so pregnant as to be the merry and eternally grateful recipient of untold riches in pearls of unsolicited advice, observations about my appearance, shape, size and the subject of rude stares and sometime finger pointing. And no, I assure you that I am not being paranoid.

Oh, and of course friends, colleagues and acquaintances (the vast majority of whom, it must be acknowledged, are the faithful readers of this blog) are all very well-meaning and say what they say to me from a place of “love”, also have felt the need, nay the very compulsion to furnish me with advice and observations on state of said pregnancy. Please note, dear friends and readers that, far be it for me to criticize you or admonish and chastise your purest hearts for telling me what you think (after all, I think we all know I’ve never been shy of telling you my opinions), I really do welcome it. Especially those of you who have been generous and kind enough to pay me a compliment. Thank you, dearest loves for that, for although I do not really believe you in my own black heart, it is very nice to hear and simply shows me that you love me. To those of you who have been unable to prevent themselves from verbally ejaculating the phrase, “Oh my God!” upon sighting my gravid form for the first time in several weeks or perhaps even months, I say, don’t worry about it, it happens to everyone from time to time, and no, of course I don’t mind.

I’d like to parade before you now a very special selection of amusing bon mots and gems dripping with wisdom that have been so generously bestowed upon my very pregnant person over the last several weeks. I do hope you derive as much pleasure and joy from them as I did at the time, and continue to do so every single time I remember them:

• From an ex work colleague, on the occasion of my first visit to my last place of employ since my ignominious ejection (theirs, not mine): “Are you having twins, Flick?” (And this one really meant it, she wasn’t just being a mean cow, just a stupid one. I was 30 weeks at the time)
• “Oh *grimace* you are quite big aren’t you?! When I was pregnant with my first I just ate everything – have you been doing that, too?” Also from an ex colleague. I was 32 weeks
• From a complete stranger avec child in tow, yesterday, when I was browsing in Baby Gap and the proud inspiration for this very blog post: “When’s your baby due? Oh, four weeks you say? Well I hate to say it [she clearly didn't] but you’re carrying very high aren’t you? It’s definitely going to be later than that!” Yeah, cheers random lady
• From my own doctor (and no, I’m not kidding, I wish I was): “Oh I can see now where all that extra weight has gone to.” At the time she was about to examine me and I was on the table and had just hitched up my skirt to expose my hilariously over generous thighs. I was 28 weeks
• And this, from more than one well-meaning person: “I’ve heard that cats often like to jump into the baby’s cot and suffocate them. Yeah, they’re attracted to the smell of the milk or something.” As you can imagine, if you know me, you know how much I adore my cat. And yes of course I’ll be taking precautions! If you want to know more, read my column on Parent Dish inspired by this fantastic and ridiculous old wives’ tale. I’ll refrain from ranting about what I really think about it here and now as it would be unseemly

Believe you me, I remember and have catalogued in my savant’s brain each and every one of these encounters and conversations and can remember and repeat them word for word like a self aware parrot. It’s because I’ve got hang ups, see? Just think about the woman in  your life that you know best (or perhaps yourself?) and think about how she reacts (and obsesses) about every single comment people make to her face about her appearance. It’s really silly and unnecessary but it’s the way we’re built. I blame gender conditioning and the media – those convenient scapegoats. Just because I’m pregnant, doesn’t mean that I don’t get hurt and offended by people telling me I look big. Equally, of course I am feeling my way through, it’s my first pregnancy – I really have no idea what I am doing – a very difficult thing to deal with and admit when you’re as advanced a control freak as I am. Therefore hearing that my dearest pet could potentially kill my newborn baby doesn’t really go down too well with me – I hope you understand where I’m coming from. It’s from a place of love, yeah?

So I really meant what I said when I said thanks for every time you say  or have said that I look good. It means a lot! And, to reward you for your patience in listening to this self indulgent riff about my fragile and tattered body image, here’s a couple of (carefully edited and selected) pics of how I look now. But please don’t exclaim, “Oh my God” when you look at them because actually, it turns out that I do kind of mind.

Flickster. xx

Fresh out of the pool like a soft boiled egg